Guest Etiquette: When You're Not Invited to the Wedding
Wednesday March 1, 2006
Office politics can create some sticky situations, especially when you're not invited to a coworkers wedding. Weddings reader HelloThere06 writes in our forums:
I work with a group of 20 people.One of the female workers is getting married. I have (at least I thought I did) a good relationship with this person. She recently passed out invitations to everyone else (people that she is close with but also others that she doesn't really have any contact or relationship with) in the group except for me. All day, the group talks about it or I hear her making plans for the wedding as she sits in cubicle next to my cubicle. It is obvious to most that I am only one not invited. It is embarrassing and I don't understand it. Recently, we are in meeting where everyone is talking and debating about this event (including our bosses) and it is blatant and evident that I have been excluded. How do I handle this situation in a professional/best way? Am I required to participate in any events that relate to this event? Like a meeting that has been scheduled to have a work bridal shower?
How would you handle this situation? Ordinarily I'd say to accept the fact that you didn't get invited, but to try to put your best and most professional foot forward. Go to the bridal shower, wish her well, and try to forget about it. But it really does sound in this case like there might have been a mixup. Perhaps it would be best to find another coworker who can casually ask if everyone in the group is invited to the wedding. That way, if indeed the omission was intentional, a messy confrontation is avoided so that your working relationship can be preserved. What do you other readers think? Am I right or totally off base? Sound off in the weddings forums!
I work with a group of 20 people.One of the female workers is getting married. I have (at least I thought I did) a good relationship with this person. She recently passed out invitations to everyone else (people that she is close with but also others that she doesn't really have any contact or relationship with) in the group except for me. All day, the group talks about it or I hear her making plans for the wedding as she sits in cubicle next to my cubicle. It is obvious to most that I am only one not invited. It is embarrassing and I don't understand it. Recently, we are in meeting where everyone is talking and debating about this event (including our bosses) and it is blatant and evident that I have been excluded. How do I handle this situation in a professional/best way? Am I required to participate in any events that relate to this event? Like a meeting that has been scheduled to have a work bridal shower?
How would you handle this situation? Ordinarily I'd say to accept the fact that you didn't get invited, but to try to put your best and most professional foot forward. Go to the bridal shower, wish her well, and try to forget about it. But it really does sound in this case like there might have been a mixup. Perhaps it would be best to find another coworker who can casually ask if everyone in the group is invited to the wedding. That way, if indeed the omission was intentional, a messy confrontation is avoided so that your working relationship can be preserved. What do you other readers think? Am I right or totally off base? Sound off in the weddings forums!
Comments
I am currently haaving the same issue with a female coworker. People that don’t even know her got an invitation, and I did not. I thought we were friends and offered to help her plan her wedding and shower, and offered to dance at her wedding. It’s now 2 days before her wedding and I sent her an email explaining that I am disappointed and hurt, that I don’t want to attend the wedding, but that I wish her and her new life all the bleesings they deserve. She immediately walked over to my desk with an invitation, which I still don’t want. My mind ran across the possibility of attending, when I looked at the envelope only to see that my name was spelled incorrectly. I do know that I will not be going to that wedding.
I was in a similar situation. I was not invited to a friend’s, but many of our other friends were. I don’t know if I was forgotten, but I found out when the day of the wedding was after it had occured. I guess it really hit home when I saw many of our friends in a wedding picture together. I guess I was never a part of the group to begin with.
I wasn’t invited to a coworker’s wedding but all my other work friends were. They were not only invited but also asked to be in the wedding. Whenever we had lunch together everyone (except me) would talk about the wedding. I was excluded and felt hurt. I wasn’t close to her like the others but I did talk to her when she was around.
My brother and I designed an invitation (in our own time, for free) for a co-worker’s engagement party. We didn’t get invited the end, but we found the best way of ‘handling’ the ’situation’ was to complain to all the other co-workers, especially the ones that did get to go. It made my brother and I feel a little better about things. Me and my brother love karma.
My former coworker got engaged while we were working together, we were pretty good friends, after a few months of his new job he needed a favor from me and i did it promptly, also in that email he wrote that he would invite me to his wedding.
I still havent received an invite and I know other people who are part of their family have received them
Am I forgotten or do married people not invite friends to their wedding?
Hi webmaster!
a different thing with me im not invited to my uncles wedding yet and i dont know why. well we dont have the best relationship but my dad always talks to his brother about stuff and so forth. However we havent got the invited when everyone has/ i dont know what to do and despite our sour relationship i wish him and his wife all the best
Interesting facts.I have bookmarked this site. stephanazs
Wow, I’m sure it must be hard to go through, but I’m planning a wedding and I can tell you it is *really* hard to narrow down a guest list. Be professional, wish the couple the best and tell yourself you have better things to do anyway. In the end, not going to a wedding is a pretty small event in life.
And if you intentionally weren’t invited, remember that one person’s opinion of you is not representative of everyone, so it is probably akward for other people that were invited who wish you were going.
Althogth none of our plans are really underway, we will probably be married in the chapel at church which holds only about 60 to 75 people…before our big day, my fiance’s work facility will be closing and all will be unemployed… we may not have addresses for his friends for mailing, but as a job hunt courtesy, we already have email addresses for everyone (commiserating/job referral) so we may just email everyone, requesting a mailing addy so that we can invite them… those who WANT to come, will supply it, those who don’t or can’t, won’t. No one will be left out; as these posts indicate, there are hurt feelings otherwise… and if many come and it’s too crowded, well, there’ll be standing room for those who arrive late. It’s hard to really judge how “close” one is to co-workers in the best of situations. With the announced closing of the plant in a few months, it is sure to cause some to go their own way forevermore…
I understand completely… recently a friend of mine (not very close but still a part of a large group of friends) sent out her wedding invitations to everyone I know in the group and I did not get one. She even asked for my address a while back when she was making her list. I talked to a friend thinking just to find out what was going on and found out that the bride to be needed to make some cuts(I was one of them). I am fine with this.. but I feel so left out now. I don’t know if they didn’t want to hurt my feelings or what… but I haven’t been invited to anything surrounding the wedding- the bridal shower, bachelorette party, nothing. This hurts and I feel left out. I would have liked to celebrate with them, wish them well, and give my gift to the couple–even if I couldn’t come to the wedding.
With the expense of a wedding keeping a guest list to a financially manageable number is practically impossible to do without hurting someone’s feelings. As a recent mother of the bride and soon to be again on a lesser budgeted wedding people just have to realize that the list of who to invite has to stop somewhere. Every guest probably costs the bride and groom or their family $100!!! Try not to take not being on the guest list personal – trust me – the bride and groom probably already have beat themselves up about who they could not invite.
All my coworkers invitations are political. All the “important” people only. Everyone who can do her some “good.”
It was somewhat refreshing in a sick sort of way to read about everyone who has felt left out after not being invited to a co-worker’s wedding. I just found out today that in my department of 4 (a mother and daughter and the dept chair who was just layed off) and myself I was not invited but the former chair and another coworker from another dept were. I worried before this how are dept of now 3 was going to function. Now, I really worry. Any comments out there in google land?
Having the same issues here…a friend from school and what I thought was my social group, is getting married and my partner and I weren’t invited. Should I still send a gift, message? Its hard to sit back and see all these social media sites that we all belong too and not see myself with all my friends.
Very close friend has not invited me to her Daughters wedding. Has not even spoken to me since June, have tried to contact her never get a reply,I understand not having been invited as they have a large family, but can understand why she will not speak to me, that really hurts, I do not even know the date of the wedding. I would have liked to send a card or gift.
Take it from someone trying to plan a “small wedding”, it’s very difficult trying to decide who’s going to be left out. We could easily fill our Church up twice with friends and relatives. We have to stick with our plan, for our day…a small wedding. Those who “truly” care about us will understand, and wish us well. But, I wouldn’t discuss it in front of those that are not invited. I think that is inconsiderate.
Just being left out of the planning’s enough. Apparently two people in the office are going to have a joint wedding shower, and a large number of the girls in my department got together this afternoon to begin planning it. I was not invited, and during the last shower (a baby shower) I was completely excluded from preparing/planning, too.
Well, at least I am not the only one who has faced this situation, but it still stinks. Two coworkers of mine are having a joint wedding shower. There was an email invitation sent to everyone including me to the shower, naming the date, time, etc. However, it became clear as I heard people talking about receiving their invitations to the wedding that I am not invited to the wedding. Further, I am the only one in the workgroup not invited.
Original Author, I respect your well-spoken opinion, but in my immediate situation I see this as offensive, crass and rude. So my gift is welcome but I am not and everyone else is?? I told the organizer I will not attend the shower. Since she was not at work, I did it through email, and I told her why I will not attend. If I am asked whether I will attend the shower by anyone else, I wil tell them the same. I’m glad I did not rush out and buy gifts right after the shower was announced.
Look, I don’t dispute that it’s the couple’s special day, nor do I dispute that they can invite – or not- whoever they please. What I do contend is inviting someone to a wedding shower and not the wedding, even if that person is “only” a coworker depending on how it’s handled, is downright tacky.
Looking at my situation and reading the above posts. I have to wonder if all these organizers/brides are just not thinking, or do they really have that little regard for the feelings of others? Either way,things like that have a way of coming baxk to haunt them in one way or another.
Points are well taken about having to narrow a guest list to save money. That’s very understandable. My friend and coworker of 7 years, who I’ve been there for through every bad relationship she’d had before meeting her current husband, made a point to come over to my desk to tell me that she wasn’t inviting coworkers to her wedding because if she invited me she’d have to invite others and asked me to understand, I did, so it was very, very hurtful to find out that she did indeed invite 5 coworkers to her wedding. I only found out the Monday after her weekend wedding. Being lied to is very different than being asked to understand that inviting coworkers isn’t cost effective for the bride and groom.
I am in the midst of planning my wedding. It is one month away and we are still going through guest list issues. It’s just not possible to invite everyone you know … we would love to, but have space issues. Our venue hold 125 and there were 200 on the initial list. It’s not a personal attack and it doesn’t mean that the couple doesn’t want you there if you’re not invited, and I feel horrible that I cannot invite everyone. I think that if someone has planned a wedding, they know how hard it is. Before my wedding, I would have taken it personally if someone did not invite me … now I say good luck with the plans and sorry I can’t be there. It won’t matter once the wedding is over anyway!
Wow, like the “on the other side” commented, I know from experience that it is REALLY difficult to narrow a wedding guest list, in most cases purely because of the cost. Back in the day (over 2o years ago), each of my guests plate cost $50.00 and as a newly wed financially strapped couple you cannot count on recovering from the cost.
With that said, I am too am very upset because recently, I was not invited to a co-workers wedding. However, I did give a gift and wish them well from my heart as I remember still the challenges of “The List”. However, I have another co-worker that is breathing down my neck everyday as too why we were not invited and so and so was. After a few days, I finally told her very nicely that it really doesn’t matter in the end, this is our JOB, let’s do it and go on about the remains of the day.
I think like others I am more hurt because my co-worker is reminding me that a select few were left out and it really has me wondering if somehow I hurt the new bride or did or said something offensive. Should I ask her about it or just leave the situation alone????
WOW! I’ve been laying in bed wondering why I was the only one (or one of the only ones) not invited to a particular wedding of a social dancing group. I have been torturing myself on “what is wrong with me” type of thinking that I wouldn’t be invited. It really seemed that everyone was invited. Even some of the strangest guys seemed to be invited. The only reason I could think of is that I am married and my husband doesn’t dance, but my friend was invited and her husband doesn’t dance. But they didn’t know she wasn’t married. Oh Well…I guess I must just turn some people off. Story of my life..and truthfully, I am one of the nicest people you can meet, but my shyness often looks like ’stuck up” ness, I’ve been told. I feel bad.
I never get invited. I actually have been invited to a few weddings over the years. And looking back, I wasn’t able to attend some because of financial considerations. It does hurt my feelings some times. But life goes on. I feel better though after reading other people’s stories on this web page and seeing how they felt.
I was not invited to a coworkers wedding also. I had coworkers who did get an invitation ask me if I was going. I felt uncomfortable and so did they when I said I hadn’t been invited.
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