Your Wedding Advice is Needed!
Thursday October 11, 2007
I like to answer reader questions when I have the time, especially when there's a straightforward question about etiquette or other anxiety-causing bridal situations. But sometimes, it's better to hear from a variety of opinions, especially on questions of taste or design. So pipe up and help these brides answer their wedding day dilemmas.
Question 1 from Margaret: I am so confused about wedding colors! My wedding will be next September in Cape Cod. Should I look for summer or fall wedding colors? My reception hall has emerald green carpeting. Help!!!!!
Question 2 from Alice:. This is probably tacky to say, but I'm a little worried about what my future mother-in-law will wear to the wedding. She doesn't have very good taste, and often dresses too casually for formal situations. I don't want to be a bridezilla but is it appropriate to tell her what to wear? How do I do so?
Question 3 from Tiffany. I'm on a tight budget. My parents only served wedding cake and champage at their wedding (32 years ago!) but every wedding I've ever been to had a full meal. I know I can put something like "Join us for dessert and dancing after the wedding" on the invitation, but will people not understand that? Does everybody have to serve a meal these days?
Well readers? I know you've got some great advice for these engaged women. Click on the blue "comments" link below, and tell us what you think!
Question 1 from Margaret: I am so confused about wedding colors! My wedding will be next September in Cape Cod. Should I look for summer or fall wedding colors? My reception hall has emerald green carpeting. Help!!!!!
Question 2 from Alice:. This is probably tacky to say, but I'm a little worried about what my future mother-in-law will wear to the wedding. She doesn't have very good taste, and often dresses too casually for formal situations. I don't want to be a bridezilla but is it appropriate to tell her what to wear? How do I do so?
Question 3 from Tiffany. I'm on a tight budget. My parents only served wedding cake and champage at their wedding (32 years ago!) but every wedding I've ever been to had a full meal. I know I can put something like "Join us for dessert and dancing after the wedding" on the invitation, but will people not understand that? Does everybody have to serve a meal these days?
Well readers? I know you've got some great advice for these engaged women. Click on the blue "comments" link below, and tell us what you think!
Comments
I’d do a mix of greens for yr wedding colors. very pretty and works if its hot or slightly cool (you never know these days!)
I agree greens could work, or maybe blue and green? That would be nice for Cape Cod.
As for mother-in-law, perhaps your mom could suggest that they go shopping together to make sure they coordinate?
I saw a beautiful wedding themed with green and apples – It looked amazing!!
Mother in Law to be NIGHTMARE – Why not go shopping with her to give her some direction. Or when you’re out shopping look for things for her and then go back and tell her what you’ve found and how wonderful she would look. Even if she doesn’t get what you pick, she will have a better idea of the sort of thing she should be wearing!
Tiffany – Some friends of ours were on a tight budget and just served afternoon tea which everyobe loved!! Someone else provided picnic hampers with a selection of snacks in. Most important is to tell people so they know what to expect!! You don’t want lots of hungry grumpy people who are expecting dinner!
#1 – I’d do a green pear wedding, like a “perfect pair” You don’t have to match the carpet – after all much of it will be covered by tables/dance floor – but you don’t want to clash.
#2 – Let her wear what she wants! You’ll look great as the bride, she should dress in a way that makes her feel pretty.
#3 – Have a smaller wedding of just closer friends and family, and have it in the middle of the afternoon (2 pm ceremony 3 pm reception). They’ll understand your budget and be happy to be there. You don’t need to pay for random people and casual friends who will pass judgement.
The Emerald green carpet will necessarily control the tone for colors at your reception. Many colors will work with emerald green.BOth pale blue and navy look great with emerald, as does yellow. In the fall you may want to use some natural fall colors -they all work with emerald.
2. The best idea is to suggest to your mother-in-law that you and she or your mother and she go shopping together,because you want HER opinionon dresses and tell her you all will have more fun that way.
3. You should NEVER spend more than you can afford on a wedding. Your parents may be in a better financial position to help that their parents were when your parents got married, so they may be able to help you do something more. But serving cake and punch is nice. The food served at most weddings is expensive and bland. It is hard to serve a meal to many people at the same time and have it be really special. If all you can afford is cake and punch,then go with that. 95% of your friends won’t care – they will just want to be part of your special day.
#3 You must do what you want and can afford. Do not let what others “think” is correct control what is in your pocket. I am doing this next year, started out with 225 people ended with 80. why? because I refuse to pay for people just because “someone” said all family should be invited, and don’t forget that one, and she’s been in the family forever, all these unnecessary folks. I have invited those who know more than my name, have thought about me enough to say “just thinking about you” have visited me when I was in the hospital; this is about closeness, speciality time. I would like to be invited to places because folks really thought I was worthy of sharing such a moment in life with them. I rather attending a wedding than the reception any day. If I miss a wedding, I’m not in the mood for a reception. At my wedding there will be a gathering/ soiree(ha!) in my friends backyard. I want intimacy with a personal touch. The food is fingerfoods nothing to fill you up but enough so that you don’t feel like your stomach has betrayed your insides (ha!) followed by a toast and ending with the wedding cake. Hopefully, later on I will do a midnight cruise with an even smaller group of about 20. Those are the people who are real tight, they know us deep and have shared some real trying times with us. I will do what I want, and not look back at a bill that no one will help me to pay (i am not giving a wedding to accept gifts or pay off my bill) just bring your two long arms, some joy and blessings. As long as your heart is right and nothing is done out of spite, nasty, greed but everything done with humbleness, honesty and good will, it will be alright whatever you choose. Don’t carry unnecessary guilt to please others–not necessary and unhealthy. Congratulations and remember promises are not made to be broken but made to be kept and honored.
Our advise for your Mother-in-laws attire is to offer to purchase a dress for her to wear to your wedding. You could lead her to the style and color you wish for her to wear. For more information regarding weddings see us at http://www.Homestages.com
Question 3: There are many cost effective ways to save money on food servings. One is to offer a buffet. If money is a great issue here you could have a few relatives put together your dishes. At Home Stages Designs we offer a Special Edition/ Weddings on a Small Budget with two chapters devoted to this particular area with over 500 money saving idea’s one could apply to an at home wedding. Why not drop by our site at http://www.Homestages.com for assistance!
Congratulations to all of you on your pending weddings!
#1 My Wedding is next October and I am having my Bridesmaids wear Hunter Green and I am also doing a Fall theme. My flowers are all different fall colors, like yellow, brown, dark red, orange and so on. I love what I am doing. Green works because after all everything is green before it changes to fall.
#2 If you are worried about what your mother in law is going to wear, why don’t you make plans with her for a day to go out shopping for a dress. Like a Mother future Daughter in law day. Take her to lunch go to some stores. But you should look around first to see what you like and then take her to those places and see what she says.
#3 My sister didn’t have a dinner thing. She just had snacks at each table something to drink and the cake. She had a DJ for dancing and they still did the tossing of the garter and flowers. All you have to do is just put on the invitations “You are invited to our wedding on (so and so date) at (whatever time) and please join us after to celebrate our marriage by dancing and having cake.” They didn’t do an all night thing. I liked it because we got to the partying right away.
#1 My daughter did something similar to what Heather suggested. Each bridesmaid carried a different type and color of flower (orange, red, yellow and purple). It looked very striking against their black dresses. The bridal bouquet had each of those flowers in it. The groomsmen’s corsages matched the bridesmaid they escorted. Parents’s were yellow, grandparents had purple, and so on. It made for beautiful pictures. The green carpet would be a nice backdrop to all of these colors.
#3. Consider having a dessert bar with a variety of cookies, cakes, or sweets to help lower the price. Many of these could be homemade, and prepared ahead of time. An early afternoon wedding would be a “sweet idea.” I agree with the other comments…be sure to let your guests know what to expect.
Margaret, I agree with doing a mix of greens. Your wedding is still far off so you may find just the color to flow with that emerald green carpet.
Alice, Go with your M-i-L to pick out the dress and be HONEST with her about what she chooses. Tell her its a bonding experience.
Tiffany, I don’t think you need to serve a full meal, that can get WAY expensive. Serve finger foods, like veggies and dip or little sandwiches. I t wouldn’t bother me if the invitation just said “desert and dancing”. If you do decide to do a meal, at my cousin’s wedding a few years ago they served soup and bread sticks. Very inexpensive.
#3 I was married 30 years ago, but I had a 6:30 wedding and then had cold cuts, relish trays and sweets at 10:00. My mom and her friends did it.
Forget saying anything to your mother-in-law. It is not worth the years of problems it could cause. What do you care what she wears anyway? She is the one who will feel the fool, not you. She may surprise you, I hope so.
I have years of experience as a wedding coordinator for my church.
1. I helped with a late summer wedding knowing the bride wanted autumn colors in August! We chose what I call “late” summer flowers – lots of purples, greens, heather colors, deep, faded, colors , sun flowers, etc. Many mixed late summer flowers are beautiful at any location.
2. To the future mother-in-law, I would say something like, Since we all want the wedding photos to be as wonderful as possible, I have asked my mom to wear either ________(color) or ______ (color) in a long or tea length dress and could you please choose a long or tea length in either ________ or ___________. My mom finally selected a (ex.) teac length short sleeved lace dress in peach! I know she would love to show it to you if you would like to see it! She got it at …. After that there is not much else you can do. My own mother wore slacks and a cotton shirt to my son’s wedding becasue she knew it was going to be outside. She was actually surprised to see everyone dressed up. Imagine that!
3. It’s easy and cost effective to have a dessert buffet. You can have a small wedding cake to cut and then a large variety of sweets that can even be pre-made by you, family and friends and frozen ahead of time.
I hate it that weddings have become so expensive. It is almost like, “We are just starting out, we have no savings, but hey, let’s take out a loan and throw a party for all our friends and relatives that will put us into debt for the next 15 years!” A friend of mine went into bankrupsy (afterward) to afford her wedding and this is not right. Too bad we can’t just have a big, bring a dish buffet for our weddings, but that would be too easy and generous. Invite them all to join in a dessert, who cares what they think?
I would not worry about the carpet color (that is dort of like picking your living room color to suit your complexion .. silly) I would go with jewel tones, all different .. royal blue, emerald green, scarlet red, bright amber, etc … it will look great and perfect for the fall or summer’s end.
#1 I love the pear idea. You could save a bundle on centerpieces by just doing bowls of pears with ivy! You could also accent with gold (beads, leaves, ribbon, etc).
#2 MIL to be would probably be thrilled being involved in picking out dresses! Invite her to go and be sure to involve her in the process…or just give her the options like Jeanie suggested.
#3 Budget weddings are my specialty. My best friend and I have put together quite a few and no one was ever dissappointed. If they were they didn’t need to be there anyway. First off, consider the time of your wedding. If you have an evening wedding, people are going to expect a fancy dinner. If you have an early afternoon wedding they won’t expect a 4 course meal at 4:00. Next, utilize your friends and family. You can even suggest that that would be the best gift they could give you (you know, for that person who makes a killer cheesecake or whatever) and see if you can rally enough voluteers for a dessert bar. Having a hard time coming up with desserts? Just have hors’dourves (however it’s spelt!). My experience has been for early afternoon weddings that the wedding party is the only ones who don’t eat before the wedding…makes for a perfect opportunity to have a wedding party brunch to make sure none of the girls pass out while rushing to get ready! Location of the reception will also let folks know what to expect. If your reception is at the same place as the ceremony, they aren’t expecting a big meal.
#3 I would make sure it’s VERY obvious on the invitation that it’s dessert only or appetizers only otherwise I hate to say people are going to expect a full meal.
Don’t worry about the carpet once the lights are down this color will diapered,
You could a Fall Sea side concept I would use a mixture as Northern Sea Shells, Coral and yellow Roses, Rose Hips and Turning leaves and bitter sweet would work wonderfully
Nancy@anewportaffaire.com
Hi ladies!
If anyone needs ideas, I’m a “retired” event/wedding planner, now SAHM, and would be willing to help (totally free – no strings I just miss it!). You can email me at elisejbrandt@yahoo.com just put “wedding info needed” in the reference line in case it goes to junk mail! Otherwise, I hope the following information helps you and you all have the most perfect day and most perfect partner to share it with. Best wishes, lots of love and happiness, and make this day about the two of you and no one else!
Elise
#1 Margaret:
Hopefully this will be the one and only time you get married and you should choose the colors and or themes that you want – regardless of the carpet color.
I would not pick a color to coordinate with the carpet of the hall; your wedding is a year away and although they may not have plans to do so, that carpet could be changed to a totally different color (days or weeks) before your wedding and all of the work coordinating the colors will have been for nothing! And, as a previous reader stated, once the lights go down the green carpet will fade away and not be noticeable.
More than anything, this is your wedding and you need to be happy with all of it – those wedding photos will stare you in the face for years to come! You only need to worry about what the two of you want or what you feel is right for you guys. Those photos can be haunting (remember the 80’s, big hair and shoulder pads?!) so make sure you have your reasons for the colors too!
#2 Alice:
As much as we would all like to tell everyone what to wear to our weddings we just can’t. Everyone has their own style, budget, and reason for their attire and sometimes those reasons can be very personal or hit a sensitive spot.
There is however a few tactful ways of controlling the situation and getting what you want!
First, when talking about the wedding you need to specify the formality style of the wedding and talk about how excited you are to see all of your family and friends dressed in (fill in the blanks!)… Along those same lines you could talk about the different dresses that others (who aren’t standing up but in the same age range) are going to wear.
Another suggestion is to “make a day of it”. Get all of the girls who are in the wedding – parents and inlaws, attendants, readers, singers, greeters, personal attendants, etc, – to go on a shopping trip. To ease things you can split it into age groups (or say that is the plan) and take her shopping with other women. When everyone is trying on the dress style you think is appropriate for your wedding, she will join in and find something along those lines.
You can make this day a stress reliever day and tell everyone that it’s just a day to try on silly dresses or to get ideas for the attendants and you need lots of models. This way, you can hand dresses over the dressing room door that are in the attire you would like. When you find a dress that looks great, in a decent price range, make sure everyone points out all of the positives about it (you look 10 yrs younger, it hides your hips, perfect clevage, or whatever you think will wow her) and have everyone tell her how perfect that dress looks on her and how she should get that dress. Keep talking about afterward if she doesn’t buy it because she may go back to get it!
Also, come up with other reasons or places she can wear the dress. Many mom’s don’t have tons of dress up situations and don’t want to spend lots on a dress they will wear once. So, remind her of the company holiday party, the cruise, other weddings she might attend, class reunions, etc. If she can wear it again, it’s a huge bonus for her!
Just make sure that no matter what you do, keep budgets in mind. She may not have a ton of money to pay for a dress or may not want to spend lots on a dress that she will wear once! She might rather spend the money on you and not the dress! No matter what, tred lightly and gently; you don’t want to ruin this relationship – mother in laws can cause lots of stress on a marriage…trust me!
#3 Tiffany
Girlfriend…it is YOUR wedding and you do with it what you want and what you can on your budget! Don’t base your wedding and reception on what everyone else is, was, or will be doing. This is your day and no one elses.
My first bit of advice is, if you are on a tight budget, decide right now where you feel the most money should go; dress, food, hall, music, cake, or whatever. Once you’ve done that and have spent that money, go from there.
You can have a great wedding, with or without food on a tight budget; it’s all in how you plan it and how you want to remember your wedding day.
If you decide to go with dessert and a toast after the ceremony and people have issues with it too bad, they can do their wedding their way.
My now husband, of almost 8 years, and I spent a “pretty penny” on our wedding (with the help of my parents) and when we woke up the day after all of the hype we wished we had done things differently. The day went by so fast and all of the little “extras” that cost so much were things that we didn’t even notice throughout the day. And after talking to people after the wedding some of the people didn’t notice them either. To this day, we wish we would have used that money as a down payment on a house or a new car; not a day that went fast and is in pictures!
So many things are optional in a wedding and personalizing a wedding doesn’t mean spending money. Do what the two of you want to do and don’t worry about the rest.
Most importantly, DO NOT start your lives together in debt. The #1 problem in marriages is dealing with financial problems, and if you start in debt your marriage could end that way too! Be smart, get creative, and stay happy.
Best wishes to you all. Just remember to have fun and don’t worry about the little things – those are things that can stress you out!
Elise J. Brandt!
Q2: I actually had my fiance’s sister ask me to take her mom out shopping to get an appropriate outfit for her wedding. I have to admit, taking the FMIL to a city and trying to get my opinion and get her to focus on the “good” dresses was tough but she ended up with something she really enjoyed and looked lovely in. The bride was also very pleased. Just tell her that you would like to go with her when she picks out a dress for a little alone time together. It will work like a charm.
PS. Nordstrom’s actually has some great classic style dresses for a price more reasonable than I had expected ($80).
#3 As a wedding officiant I’ve been a guest at many and varied styles of celebrations. I am convinced that if you invite the people whom you love, you can serve Kool Aid and cupcakes and still have a blast!
There is no “rule” of etiquette that says you need to celebrate your wedding with a meal. If you hold your wedding ceremony in the evening, any time from 7 PM on, then you have at least two options.
You can invite your guests to a cocktail and dessert party. You could have great fun with the desserts.
You could also host a cocktail party, serving out-of-this world finger-food, along with cocktails and dessert.
If anyone looks down upon this style of party, then maybe you shouldn’t be inviting him or her to your celebration in the first place!
Trust me–you don’t need to have people sit at tables of ten for a dried chicken dinner in order to be festive, creative and classy !
Rev. JP Reynolds
#1. You can do the “fall colors” golden yellow (sunflowers) browns, deep purple, (mums) deep colors like burgundy, purple, forest green with gold accents.
#2. I agree with the majority about taking your mother in law out for a day of shopping. She might be stuck in a time warp and not even realize the way she dresses. She can compliment the colors of the bridal party too. You all can even do the salon the day before, manicure, pedicure, waxing, massage etc.
#3 There are many ways of doing a “budget” wedding: I went to one that was planned in 2 weeks, everyone in the bridal party and their parents made a covered dish, OR do a 10/11 ceremony and and have “finger” foods or the tea and bisquit thing. OR have everyone back at the house and do a BBQ.
1. I’d go for whites and creams. That’s what I’m doing next October for my wedding. Whites and creams will match any green carpet!
2. Yes, you have every right to tell her what to wear! And you can say it without stepping on toes. Find a picture of the style of dress you think she’d look great in and give it to her. Tell her that she can find this dress (any store will have something close) in your specified color; this will work as long as you tell your mother to find a similar dress (one to suit her body type) in the same color. She can’t get upset if your mother is doing the same thing can she?
3. Since weddings have changed so much over the years you shouldn’t worry about your guests expecting dinner, especially if your invitation specifies desserts and cake. I doubt budget restrictions will even enter most of their minds. If your reception is later in the evening then I certainly wouldn’t expect dinner.
#3 Tiffany: Do not try to match or “one up” the last wedding. Plan a budget and keep to it. There is NO correct reception format. Rev. JP has it correct. This is a time to celebrate your wedding day. Not to be stuffed with food and drink so that you start your new life together in the poor house (or worse in debt).
#3 Tiffany…your real friends and family who want the best for you will applaud your effort to stay within your budget. You are growing up!! Concentrate on the marriage not the wedding so much. If you and your groom are happy everybody else will be too. T
Tiffany, do not go in debt for a wedding. You will regret it. Do not expect your parents to stress themselves for a big wedding, unless they are very financially able.
1. I would use aqua, peach or coral and cream with the emeral green carpet. But, anything you want will be fine.
2. As for your mother-in-law, let her dress as she pleases. If you recommend something without hurting her feelings, go ahead. She may ask for your advice.
3. Have an early afternoon wedding like 2:00 pm, reception to follow at same place. Have wedding cake, nuts, mints, punch and coffee. Too much money is spent on weddings. If parents have the money, they can give it to you and hubby to get a good start. God bless you two.
#1 Look outside!!! Everything is green. Take a walk through a garden or a wooded area and you are bound to find many breathtaking scenes. When you find something that really hits home use those colors in your wedding. Nothing outside looks tacky, it looks natural, so why would it look any different for your wedding?
#2 I am sure your mother-in-law is not going to be the only person at your wedding that doesn’t have great style! She needs to feel comfortable in what she’s in just as you do. You wouldn’t pick a different gown just because someone else didn’t like it, right? Give her a chance, and if it really bothers you, why not ask her to show you what she is thinking of wearing, then buy some little things to perk up the outfit and drop a hint that they are a gift for her to wear to the wedding. Even a pair of jeans can be made to look stylish, even classy!
#3 Cocktails!! Hourderves and cocktails are wonderfully romantic, and not as expensive as a full, sit down dinner. Definately mention it on your invitation, and by the way, your guests HAVE to understand as it is your wedding and only you get to make the decisions!
Hey Tiffany!
I’m getting married next September, so I completely understand working on a budget. I really love the idea of doing an Afternoon Tea. You can serve tea and scones and maybe have finger sandwiches. You can display the tea and snacks very nicely and it would probably be a welcome break for your guests to not have Chicken Cordon Bleu:) You can definately make it work!
Oh and P.S. Maybe instead of doing a cake and also having to do favors, maybe you could do specialized cupcakes and send them home in little boxes for the guests. You can make the cupcakes yourself and buy the liitle boxes wholesale extremely cheap. Good Luck, I wish you all the best.
#3 – Tiffany, that’s a problem that I’ve also run into as I’ve been planning my own wedding. One of the things that we decided to do was to get married around 2:30 or so. That way, when the reception is going, our guests won’t be expecting a meal. It will be too early for that. We’re going to provide some hors d’oeurves and time for guests to mingle before we cut into the cake. Is that something that you’d be willing to consider?
Question 1 It really is your choice on color, if you want pink or summer shades in the autumn then go for it. Make sure you are happy with your choice. If you want a simple and elegant theme how about sticking with creams and ivory or pale lemons these would stop your worry about the emerald green carpet.
Question 2
Either go shopping with your future mother-in-law or realise that her dress sense is part of her and it is likely you could offend or upset her. You could say that you saw a beautiful dress in a local shop which you thought would look stunning on her and ask her if she wants to have a look.
Question 3
The biggest cost on your reception will be due to the numbers, take a serious look at your budget and the guest list. If you haven’t seen them in ages cross them off, if you don’t want them there definately cross them off.
Think about the day that you are getting married, most venues offer a discount for a Friday and shop around be open to unusual venues.
There is no law that states you have to have a sit down meal, there is an increasing trend towards canapes and cocktails, or tea and cake receptions.
Have a look at http://www.cheap-wedding-solutions.com/cheap-wedding-reception.html for extra ideas.
Tiffany.
With a low budget wedding, there are many ways to have a great wedding at a low cost. 1.You can have a brunch or lunch time reception. 2.You can have your wedding on a Thursday or Sunday when catering is cheaper. 3.You can have a few friends make several dishes and put a few in charge of the “buffet.” You can have the large conference room at a Ryans or a similiar buffet and everyone is responsible for the cost of the meal with you and your spouse just paying the tip! Many cost savors come to mind. These are just a few.
Good luck!
Wedding Consultant, April Robinson-Fay.NC
There are loads of different ways you can have on your wedding food – you don’t have to have the full three course, sit-down meal!
My parents had their reception in a local pub in Ireland with sandwiches and cake – a far cry from the formal, silver service wedding breakfasts of today!
You could a number of things:
- Canapes only
- Desserts only
- Buffet (hot or cold)
- Serve your cake as dessert
- BBQ
- Cheese and wine
This site is good for ideas too:
http://www.cheap-wedding-success.co.uk/wedding-catering-costs.html
Good luck!
Question 2: Rather than telling your mother-in-law to be what to wear. You should probably suprise her with something that will not only be fitting for your wedding but something that will not stray away from her sense of style. The last thing you want is for her to feel uncomfortable. Then present the dress in a way that will not offend.
Question 1: I would say that if u r going for a fall look. The emerald green carpet would go good with the fall colors. Like the color of the leaves when they change. My cousin did it for a wedding idea and it turned out nice.
this is for question #3, some good friends of mine just were married not two months ago and didn’t serve a full meal as their wedding was an afternoon wedding… they had tons of fruit and what not and also a chocolate fountain had different punches and bottled sodas for fam and friends to choose from… now me personally i am planning a wedding myself right now and it is going to be an evening wedding and we being true texans hah.. are having bbq dinner catered in.