Plus One: Inviting Dates to a Wedding
Thursday May 8, 2008
A reader recently wrote to me, asking if she had to invite her nephew's girlfriend of two years to her wedding.
The issue of guest's dates is a tricky one. Many single people look forward to bringing a date to a wedding, but for the bride and groom that means having a stranger at a very personal event. With limited budgets, that stranger is quite literally taking the place of someone they do know. My advice is to create a blanket rule, and do your best to stick to it. Such a rule might be "only couples that live together." So, you might never have met your coworker's husband, but under that rule, he would be invited. Or, "only couples that have dated two years or more." You could even go so far as to say, "couples that are in relationships are okay, but we certainly don't want any first dates, or friend dates."
Do try to be generous if you can, particularly if the majority of your guests are older. Older guests often feel less comfortable dancing by themselves, or mingling. You want your friends and loved ones to be able to relax and enjoy themselves. This article from the New York Times does a good job of explaining the stick.
In the case of my reader above, I do think you need to invite the nephew's girlfriend. Two years is a serious relationship.
What do you think, readers?
The issue of guest's dates is a tricky one. Many single people look forward to bringing a date to a wedding, but for the bride and groom that means having a stranger at a very personal event. With limited budgets, that stranger is quite literally taking the place of someone they do know. My advice is to create a blanket rule, and do your best to stick to it. Such a rule might be "only couples that live together." So, you might never have met your coworker's husband, but under that rule, he would be invited. Or, "only couples that have dated two years or more." You could even go so far as to say, "couples that are in relationships are okay, but we certainly don't want any first dates, or friend dates."
Do try to be generous if you can, particularly if the majority of your guests are older. Older guests often feel less comfortable dancing by themselves, or mingling. You want your friends and loved ones to be able to relax and enjoy themselves. This article from the New York Times does a good job of explaining the stick.
In the case of my reader above, I do think you need to invite the nephew's girlfriend. Two years is a serious relationship.
What do you think, readers?
Comments
Coming from an Indian family, our wedding are big enough without even taking guests into consideration! I’m following these guidelines to be respectful, and ensure guests have fun.
1) For the most part, never write “and guest.” Only write and “name.” Therefore, you are not inviting a random guest, you are inviting a spouse, fiancee, or someone they are seriously dating.
2) If you friend doesn’t acknowledge their “other” as a boyfriend or girlfriend, neither do you. If necessary, or if things get more serious, you can add them later. But, have your friend ask — that’s sometimes the only way to know how serious they are.
3) guests w/o other friends at the wedding, and guests traveling very far should be invited with a “guest” — they are putting out a lot of effort for you, you should do the same to help them be comfortable.
About a year before my husband and I got married his cousin got married. My husband (boyfriend at the time) and I had been dating about two and a half years and I wasn’t invited to the wedding. I was incredibly offended, my husband even called his aunt to ask why I wasn’t allowed there and she told him that I could come to the wedding, but not the reception. I felt like I was being singled out for some reason. My husband was so angry that he decided not to attend the wedding.
My whole thought is that after two people have been together for a substantial amount of time you need to invite them both… they are a couple!!
This has been an ongoing debate! My future husbands relative recently got married and they did not invite people who were not engaged or married with dates. My future sister in law, in her late 20’s and dating a man seriously, was invited solo and was offended. For our wedding we are inviting all adults with dates, there will be no children at our wedding but I would feel bad not letting an adult bring a date. I try to imagine myself being invited to a wedding now without a date and I do not think I would attend the wedding. I think even when trying to work around budget issues, brides and grooms alike need to think about the guests they are inviting, why would you want someone to feel uncomfortable at your special day?