A reader recently wrote to me, asking if she had to invite her nephew's girlfriend of two years to her wedding.
The issue of guest's dates is a tricky one. Many single people look forward to bringing a date to a wedding, but for the bride and groom that means having a stranger at a very personal event. With limited budgets, that stranger is quite literally taking the place of someone they do know. My advice is to create a blanket rule, and do your best to stick to it. Such a rule might be "only couples that live together." So, you might never have met your coworker's husband, but under that rule, he would be invited. Or, "only couples that have dated two years or more." You could even go so far as to say, "couples that are in relationships are okay, but we certainly don't want any first dates, or friend dates."
Do try to be generous if you can, particularly if the majority of your guests are older. Older guests often feel less comfortable dancing by themselves, or mingling. You want your friends and loved ones to be able to relax and enjoy themselves. This article from the New York Times does a good job of explaining the stick.
In the case of my reader above, I do think you need to invite the nephew's girlfriend. Two years is a serious relationship.
What do you think, readers?
The issue of guest's dates is a tricky one. Many single people look forward to bringing a date to a wedding, but for the bride and groom that means having a stranger at a very personal event. With limited budgets, that stranger is quite literally taking the place of someone they do know. My advice is to create a blanket rule, and do your best to stick to it. Such a rule might be "only couples that live together." So, you might never have met your coworker's husband, but under that rule, he would be invited. Or, "only couples that have dated two years or more." You could even go so far as to say, "couples that are in relationships are okay, but we certainly don't want any first dates, or friend dates."
Do try to be generous if you can, particularly if the majority of your guests are older. Older guests often feel less comfortable dancing by themselves, or mingling. You want your friends and loved ones to be able to relax and enjoy themselves. This article from the New York Times does a good job of explaining the stick.
In the case of my reader above, I do think you need to invite the nephew's girlfriend. Two years is a serious relationship.
What do you think, readers?
Comments
Coming from an Indian family, our wedding are big enough without even taking guests into consideration! I’m following these guidelines to be respectful, and ensure guests have fun.
1) For the most part, never write “and guest.” Only write and “name.” Therefore, you are not inviting a random guest, you are inviting a spouse, fiancee, or someone they are seriously dating.
2) If you friend doesn’t acknowledge their “other” as a boyfriend or girlfriend, neither do you. If necessary, or if things get more serious, you can add them later. But, have your friend ask — that’s sometimes the only way to know how serious they are.
3) guests w/o other friends at the wedding, and guests traveling very far should be invited with a “guest” — they are putting out a lot of effort for you, you should do the same to help them be comfortable.
About a year before my husband and I got married his cousin got married. My husband (boyfriend at the time) and I had been dating about two and a half years and I wasn’t invited to the wedding. I was incredibly offended, my husband even called his aunt to ask why I wasn’t allowed there and she told him that I could come to the wedding, but not the reception. I felt like I was being singled out for some reason. My husband was so angry that he decided not to attend the wedding.
My whole thought is that after two people have been together for a substantial amount of time you need to invite them both… they are a couple!!
This has been an ongoing debate! My future husbands relative recently got married and they did not invite people who were not engaged or married with dates. My future sister in law, in her late 20’s and dating a man seriously, was invited solo and was offended. For our wedding we are inviting all adults with dates, there will be no children at our wedding but I would feel bad not letting an adult bring a date. I try to imagine myself being invited to a wedding now without a date and I do not think I would attend the wedding. I think even when trying to work around budget issues, brides and grooms alike need to think about the guests they are inviting, why would you want someone to feel uncomfortable at your special day?
In the past year, I have been invited to three weddings without a guest. I have also been in a monogamous relationship for two years–a fact that all three married couples were well aware of. One of these weddings took place in Kansas (I live in NJ), so the married couple expected me to travel to Kansas by myself with no date and only knowing 3 or 4 other people at the event. It is beyond insulting to invite someone to a wedding without a guest if that someone has been in a serious, long-term, and committed relationship. The logic of “Oh, I can’t afford it” doesn’t hold up, either. If you can afford a $1,500 wedding dress, two bands, and a lavish reception AND if you would like people to furnish you with engagement gifts, bridal shower gifts, and wedding gifts AND then expect them to pay out extra to attend your wedding hundreds of miles away, then have the common decency to invite them with a guest. Too often, single people are ostracized in society even though half of all married couples today divorce, and I am sure many more “married” couples are unhappy and uncommitted. If you can’t invite your friends with guests, do some more careful budgeting!
I have to wonder at all these people being “offended”. Whose wedding is it after all?
My theory is that those who are “offended” by the perceived lack of consideration towards them are in fact merely demonstrating their own inconsiderate nature.
Personally I’m thinking:
-Invites for long term partners.
-Additional consideration for those outside major friend groups (ie singles who won’t know anybody else well).
My relationship just ended because I did not want to bring my girlfriend to my best friend’s wedding. She has severe bipolar disorder, and although she has been good lately, it is generally a dice roll whether she is going to go into a manic episode over the smallest thing, especially when drinking is involved. I am convinced that I made the right decision but feel terrible, like I betrayed her. My invite also did not specify plus one and it is not a large wedding (75 people).
My boyfriend of three and a half years is going to be the best man in his best friend’s wedding this Saturday and I was not invited even though we have all hung out together on various occassions and have gone even on double dates! I am terribly offended!
My fiance and I are have a really small wedding 50 ppl and we are only inviting friends and family. And the friends know each other so they don’t need a date. So we are not inviting any or our uncle’s girlfriends. All of our aunts are married. My bro isn’t dating and his siblings are married. All of them live in town and they all know each other so I don’t see a problem with my situation. I really think it depends on the situation.
I was recently invited to a wedding. The bride asked if my daughter could be the flower girl and I was to be a bridesmaid in the wedding party. I was told that I could not bring my fiancee of 8 years, because the groom didn’t like my fiancee. I will be respectfully declining. We are a couple. I understand that it’s her day, however, I do expect some common courtesy and manners.
Not to mention, how can someone deny a girls father the honor of seeing his little one walk down the aisle as flower girl? It’s beyond me.
@9 – you’ve been engaged for eight years to your daughter’s father? Really? What’s the holdup? Could the reason the groom doesn’t like your finance be that he won’t actually marry you?
Luckily there were only a few cases where we excluded a borderline significant other. In both cases it was a relationship of less than a year where the two weren’t living together. And there are a few guests who may wish they had a plus one, but if people can’t try to have a good time when they’re surrounded by interesting, nice people then then deserve suffer in boredom!!! Weddings are weddings. Proms are proms
I have been with my fiance for 9 years, and the bride and her family have known my fiance for even longer then that. My fiance has actually done work for the family for FREE!!! I was astonished and hurt that he was not invited to the wedding! Guess I will have to change my guest list now!
What people are forgetting is whose day it is. I have some single ppl who I’m inviting but they all know each other. My fiance doesn’t know a lot of ppl and I have no intentions of increasing that amount. We both wanted an intimate affair. And to the person who said that “if you can afford a lavish dress, reception…. then you can afford to invite yada yada yada.” If you are offended don’t go plain and simple
I recently got married last month. One of the bridesmaids was livid (to the point where she was screaming at me) about the fact that she couldn’t bring a guest. Keep in mind, this person knew both my husband and I extremely well (we met through her), and she knew both sides of family and friends. She also is not dating anyone. She felt it was her right to be able to bring a friend with her, despite knowing that we were on a tight budget. I tried to explain to her that we were only permitting friends and family to bring a “plus one” if there were living together/married or serious relationships. I told her that even close cousins weren’t allowed to bring dates despite dating their girlfriends for a long time. She still didn’t get it.
When I was tired of her arguing with me, I finally gave in and said “ok, tell me who you want to bring, and I’ll try to squeeze him/her in”, she responded that she had no intention of bringing anyone and it was simply the principle of the matter. sigh.
My husband kept things very simple with his explanation- “Why on earth am I going to invite a complete stranger to the wedding to eat my food and drink my wine?” LOL. Perhaps I was too nice to my friend?
My mother’s cousin is getting married this summer and I was told that I could not invite my boyfriend of 2 years whom I live with. The wedding is HUGE (400 people) and both she and her fiance are millionaires. The wedding is in Vermont and I live in New York, so that entails driving and staying overnight. On one hand, I understand because it is family so therefore I will know a lot of people there, but on the other, this is a rare opportunity to introduce someone very significant and long-term to family members I never see. I know the day is not about me, but it would be nice to have my man by my side a such a special occasion. I think all adults should be offered a +1 so long as it is not a random friend. Am I out of line to feel this way?
I’ve said that least 769922 times. The problem this like that is they are just too compilcated for the average bird, if you know what I mean
Weddings can be so “stuffy” where couples hang-out together and reminisce about their own relationship that singles feel excluded.
It should be a common courtesy to any organised event that a plus one is invited regardless.
I have been to a few weddings alone and having to go solo to a wedding is awful. I want my guest to be happy at my wedding and not give them any reason to feel bad about themselves. So with that I have created my own rule. If I was invited to your wedding with a guest then I will invite you with your husband/wife. If I was not then I will not invite you with a guest. All single guests will get to invite a guest. It is as simple as that.
Should I be offended that my friend did not invite my fiance to her wedding? We have been enaged longer than she, but are not getting married until next year.