Your weird cousin Bob says that he's bringing an uninvited date to your wedding. Your coworker announces that her kids are coming. And your well-meaning neighbors tell you how thrilled they are about your wedding, even though they were never on the guest list to begin with!
So what do you do? While etiquette suggests that the bride and groom call any quests who have RSVP'd for more people than intended to explain the misunderstanding, this is not an easy thing to do. Some couples don't say anything at all, but feel resentful afterward. Others take the time to write every guest's name on the response card, trying to ensure that no extra guests will be tacked on. Recently, I've seen couples trying to circumvent this problem by adding the line "We have reserved ___ seats for you" to the RSVP card. What do you think of this solution? A good one, or tacky?
Vote now in our poll!
How Should You Avoid Uninvited Guests at Your Wedding?
- The traditional way - by being very clear in the way the invitation is addressed, and calling people who don't understand it.
- By writing the guests' names on the RSVP card
- By adding a line "We've reserved ___ seats in your honor"
- If people bring friends, dates, or children, we won't let it bother us.
Read more on this subject.
More about Reply Card Wording
Starting a Wedding Guest List
Frequently Asked Questions about Wedding Invitations
Comments
I don’t think that is tacky at all. Wedding are very expensive and take a long time to plan and its not easy to do. People need to respect the Bride and Grooms wishes. Unfortunately some people feel they are “entitled” and it makes things hard for the couple, so to avoid problems with how many people are invited I think its a great idea to say it right on the RSVP card…I definitely like the idea and it will cut down on all those uninvited guests!
Some wedding invitations and RSVP cards can be so complicated these days. I think the best ones are just bacic and to the point. I think the card should just ask if you are coming and how many will be attending…I have received some invitations that had so much on it for me to fill out I was all confused and I don’t have the time for all that, keep it simple is what I say.
There is so much preparation and expense that goes into wedding. Every adult who is invited should know that. Yes, it is indeed tacky and lack of class to include more people than who are invited. Leave the kids with a babysitter or do not go at all. Then it would be so nice and tactful to RSVP that as well. If you are invited as a couple, do not ask your best friend and her good friend to come as well. If you cannot find a partner, surely, you may ask a friend or co-worker. Otherwise, go to the wedding reception alone.
I think that is a great idea. People don’t realize the expense and preparation that go into a wedding. Many think it’s free food and drinks all night, not taking into consideration the honor of being invited to the persons wedding. I think writing the name on the RSVP card of the people that are invited as well as including the number is a great idea. This way you avoid any misunderstanding. If someone is insulted…then just RSVP “NO” they will not be attending…I don’t want anyone at my wedding that feels resentful. I’ll save my money and have those whom love my Fiancee and me right by our side!
If it’s my special day and I don’t want unvited people to attend, then I shouldn’t have to pay $100 a plate to feed them. If people want to work around that behind your back, then that’s tacky! It’s not tacky to word it how you want to word it, because some people just don’t get the point!
Personally I think people who crash weddings are pathetic. How embarrassing.
I am planning my wedding for October 2010. I am already trying to explain that my fiance’ and I are paying for the reception and are on a budget. Unfortunately, my family thinks this is a picnic and anyone can attend. They do not realize the time and expense it takes to plan a wedding. I don’t think they care. I am trying to be calm and nice when explaining my wishes for the day. I even told them who I plan to invite so there is no misunderstanding. It goes in one ear and out the other. Why do people feel they can take over your event? What else can I do or say? Do I have to get a billboard and state such and such are not invited?
To the lady above… I feel your pain. I dont think that putting the number of seats reserved on there is tacky. I simply put on the RSVP that it IS a closed invitation and if they want to bring a guest who was not formally invited to give me a call. I think it is to the point. I have the problem of a bunch of young men (20-21) coming and i just pray that their brains work enough to figure out that their fling-of-the-week is NOT invited!
Whew! This hits close to home! My family understands no means no but my in laws are more casual and they will test the # of guests rule so I am putting each guests name individually with “will attend” & “will not attend” below. I will also add _ * of spaces have been reserved for you
So what is the wedding etiquette for rejecting a rsvp response for a family member who seems to have a need to invite who they want after being told specifically who the invite is for. It’s not even her wedding, but I’ll allow her to just come to the ceremony that’s all. Any help will do!
Thanks,
Upset Groom
It is rude and insulting to invite someone and not allow them to bring a +1 to make your invitee feel comfortable throughout the wedding day. You should want your wedding guests to be comfortable. I understand that weddings are expensive, so just accept that everyone you invite is a couple, and plan accordingly from there. Or be more selective of who you invite. Or skip the filet mignon in favor of good company. If you don’t want some guests to be comfortable, then maybe they aren’t important enough to you to witness your sacred moments in the first place.
to the person above, i beg to disagree. It is never rude to be specific as who you want to invite. You invited them to share your special day. If they feel uncomfortable bec. they cannot bring somebody, then heck, just respond that they can’t make it. You could enjoy the company at another time if that is your take. At this point in time, even if you just order salad, everything is expensive – the price of the salad plus the gratuity tax plus the state tax. If I wanted you to bring someone, I would have stated your name plus a guest or guests.
I actually had my Grandmother in Law to be invite EVERYONE on the family newsletter by copying our save the date and suggesting EVERYONE be there. These are people my FH and I do not know. Suggestion: let them be them, those who do not receive an actual invite will not come. As to wording: stay classy and true to yourself. Should you want to talk with them, give them a call. Your wedding does not define you, how you handle yourself in all of life does.
My wedding is June 2010 and I have received negative feedback about the “Adult Reception to follow” on my invitation. One co-worker even said “I can’t believe she is not allowing children at her wedding”. Couples with small children who get their parents to baby-sit any other time they want to do something, all of a sudden cannot come b/c they don’t have a babysitter. I am shocked by the negative feedback and guests that are offended that their bad kids were not invited. I have always thought it was quite common to have an adult reception and it is the choice of the bride & groom. We are not inviting children (except immediate family and those in the wedding) simply due to budget constraints. You would think that people would be a little more understanding about this during these trying economic hard times!
to the comment above… My sister in law had a “NO Child” reception… which was great except the child was her nephew… and my family and my husbands family was all at the wedding… and she had a wedding away from our homes… so no sitter… the resort did not offer sitter service… so I had to miss my brother in laws wedding to stay home with my son (I have been part of my husbands family for 20 years and they are like my family)… since my husband was the best man… he got to go on merit…because it was a toss up as to who had to stay home… so I would say offer some flexibility… no one loves a party more than kids…
Jay, why does the bride and groom have to accomodate all their guests to make THEM feel comfortable…They are there to share in the bride and grooms big day. Most guests know at least a few other people there, whether its family or friends, they are usually in the same circles. I can understand making an old friend or an out of town friend a plus 1 since they may not know anyone else, but its pretty arrogant to think just bc it is a wedding you get to bring an unknown person there to run the bill up more for the bride and groom.
The ones paying for the wedding have the right to decide who is and who is not invited.
I think is good to let guests know well in advance so they do not assume they can bring anyone they want.
It is understandable that single guests might feel uncomfortable being alone, but that does not mean the bride and groom have to spend more money. If that was the case, then a couple having only 50 single guests (not likely but an example) then they would end up with another 50 they don’t know yet they have to pay for them.
I am getting married this November and will definitely limit the number of guests. I am not even inviting my brother’s gf b/c he has not mentioned to me he is dating so she is OUT and will make it very clear to him.. so, there is no way I am letting someone else do it.
I am getting married next month and although I sent an invitation to one of the groomsmen and his wife, the wife wrote in their six year old daughter’s name on the response card. I am not sure how to proceed, and I certainly don’t want to offend anyone.
I have had my (much classier) family members call or email to inquire about bringing children and I have turned them down. Now I am worried that they will be hurt when they come to the wedding and see this non-family member’s child there! Advice, anyone?
To the poster above… call her back and let her know that it is an adult’s only reception and that this is the case for friends and family alike.
To poster #14… did the bride exclude the children of family members as well as guests?
You also wrote “no one loves a party more than kids” that’s part of the problem. 1) it’s not a children’s party and 2) many parents (not necessarily YOU) go to the reception and totally forget about their children because they are too busy having a good time to care that their child is running wild.
do i contact the people by phone that have not responded to the wedding invitations?
I’m having the same problem – family members sending the rsvp card back with more guests than were invited. We chose a smaller wedding venue with limited space and for that reason, I listed only the guests who were invited. Is it rude to give them a call and let them know that we don’t have enough seating?
I am getting married in 2011 and I honestly think that it is perfectly ok to include the # of guests invited on the RSVP cards. My ceremony and reception are also adult-only, besides the kids in the wedding. Me and my FH are footing the entire bill for the wedding, so I am not about to let random people come in and run our bill up! Some people stated that their guests would be uncomfortable being alone, if they were your real friend they would understand that its not about them, its about you and your future spouse. The way I see it, if anyone is upset about me not inviting their kids or that they cannot bring a date, then they do not have to come! It’s as simple as that!
I am getting married soon and would like to avoid this problem. The more people show up is the more you have to pay for food/drinks. Suggestions:
1) On my invitations put the names of each person invited on the envelope. Rather than say for e.g. John Brown and family, say John, Jane, and Mary Brown. It should be clear that the others invited.
2) Have a guard/usher at then entrance with guest list so they can say “I’m sorry you are not on the list, you will not be able to enter” (or something more tactful).
3) Have table place cards with guest’s names on them.
4) Give each person a nice card to show at the door (like a ticket for a concert or movie).
To Gayle,
You mean you could not find a sitter for your son so you could go along with your husband. To me that just means the wedding really did not mean enough to you to make accomodations to attend; and, here it is once again, you make it seem like the bride and groom should have made an exception. I have been to receptions with children and they can be out of control so I agree with adult only receptions. I would have gone even if it meant paying for a sitter to go along. Most people know about wedding in advance so some type of arrangements can be made. I’m sorry this is so wordy but the nightmares I have seen with children at receptions far exceeds any reason that anyone can give for them being there.
To Val,
I’m getting married this year and I totally understand that people from out of town can’t afford to bring a babysitter with them to watch their kids for one night. Honestly, I think you’re living on a cloud if you honestly believe it’s that easy.
I’m not saying that it’s up to the bride and groom to invite everyone’s kids because chances are they can’t afford the cost of adding those plates to their reception costs (it is usually less for children, but still not free). However, in most (all) neighborhoods there are a couple responsible high school students who would babysit for 20 or 30 bucks. If you have people coming from out of town, and you know they have kids (especially if some of them are your brothers and sisters), would it really break your budget to shell out maximum 50 bucks to get one or two 16-year-olds with good references to watch them for the night, and only offer the service to out of town guests who ask? Chances are you’ll have at most 5-10 kids that need to be watched and I’ve seen the right teens do that just fine.
We are paying for our wedding ourselves without any help from family just like many of you. We are running into the “Oh I can’t wait for your wedding!” or “Where’s my invitation?” statements. I’m trying my hardest not to be rude but the fact is this; if they didn’t get an invitation, they aren’t invited!
I agree with all of you, I don’t think people understand what goes into these things with planning and finances today. We cut as much cost as possible and are having a cake only reception. Tasteless….maybe, in my budget……yes.
Good luck to all of you!
I so hear all the issues with uninvited guests. We are getting married overseas and paying for everything ourselves. Just last night I told one of my bridesmaids that I no longer wanted her in the bridal party as she has in my opinion behaved appallingly.
We sent invitations addressed to each individual after confirming those who wished to travel with us for our day, we also booked an entire apartment complex ( and paid for it ) so that we had exclusive use for our friends/relatives and bridal party. I spent days working on allocating accomodations, liasing with the accomodation for transfers and organising the reception dinner at the appartments etc. 4 weeks after she was asked to be a bridesmaid 5 months ago she met a new guy ( one of many in the preceeding months ) and promptly told us that she wanted him to come with her.
We told her no then and she seemed to accept it now 4 weeks before we all fly out she and he decided that he was booking time off work ( which i’m told he has done ) and that he would be staying with her. We have again said no as we don’t know him and we haven’t even met him. She has made no effort whatsoever to introduce him to us ( she has had almost 6 months ) and now tells me that she is extremelly angry at me for saying no.
Has anyone else come across this?
I had something similar happen at my wedding years ago. I wish I had stood my ground. I had met the guy and couldn’t stand him. He showed up in shorts to my formal wedding at a 5 star hotel. He then proceeded to get drunk on our dime. When I asked my friend to take him home, she made a big scene. I wish I had made her bow out rather than ruin my wedding. Uninvited guests are generally uninvited for a reason. Perhaps he could stay elsewhere and she could join him after the festivities.
Good luck.
I am not inviting children to our wedding at all – other than the two flower girls and my two nephews who are the ring bearers. And to get more of our friends there, we are only inviting people who are in a relationship to bring their date.
To deal with the children issue, my mom and I have been trying to just let family and close friends know ahead of time, so that there is no confusion when it comes down to the RSVP time. I asked my future mother-in-law to do the same for her side.
When sending out the invitations to those with a date, the main envelope will read “Mr. John Smith” and an inner envelope will say “John Smith and date.” While the singles invitations will only provide that one person’s name.
If singles people reply with a plus one, then I have no problem calling and explaining that their invitation was only provided to them.
We have a sit-down dinner and place cards at each spot, so there is literally no room for people to come without an invitation because they won’t have a seat!
We are having the same issue, complicated by both b & g being leaders of youth groups. And it’s not only the young people, it’s their parents, too, that want to come to extend their love and blessings, and share the experience of having known us and having seen our romance blossom and grow. Our solution was to invite those people to the wedding, but not the reception. Most everyone gets it, and to the rest, we simply explain that we hope that they will share the wedding with us, and we know that they will understand that we could only invite so many to the reception. Actually, most people seem to understand — and the young people who usually see us in everyday clothes seem to just want to see us in our finery — and know that are loved.
I was a bridesmaid in a good friend’s wedding. I was specifically told that because I was from out of town and not in a formal relationship, that I could NOT bring a date (for budget reasons). I would have understood more if I was just an acquaintance, but we had been best friends for 16 years and I was in the bridal party. Anyway, I came alone and less than half of the people invited did not show up at all. Most of the tables were empty, nobody danced, and it was a really boring wedding, especially for me, as I was from out of town and did not have a date, or anyone to talk to. I don’t know why hardly anyone came, maybe it was because they were told no dates and they didn’t want to come alone. I am planning my wedding now, and I have a max of 150 guests. I am encouraging dates to come, as I think that I want to see my dear friends dancing at my wedding, not bow out because they feel uncomfortable. If I paid for 150 and only 40 show up, then I will have lost more money than if 155 show up.
i do not see in agrreing with view of one and disagree with others. all have expressed their views confirming to their culture and social acceptability. i firmly belive with the no add on to specific invitee. Its also true in the East, more particularly in Indian subcontinent, where invitition is not made in restrictive form and even adult only wedding receptions can not be imagined at all.
thus it is culture and wider acceptability of the society, which determine it.
HELP! I invited a former colleague to my wedding and all of my guests are allowed to bring a date, including her. However, she has informed me that she will bring my former manager who I did not get along with and who I did not invite for that very reason.
I don’t think there is anything I can do, is there? If I wanted him there he would have had his very own invitation!!
#30, MIMI
How did you go about inviting people to JUST the ceremony? I am worried if we do that that some will assume and find out from family members the location and information regarding the reception! Thanks for the response!
sammi_1@hotmail.com
It is too bad that people need to have a date in order to feel “comfortable.” How sad is that! Will they always have to be with someone else to be “comfortable.” It’s pretty immature, I think. If you’re invited to a wedding alone, you go alone, you decide you’re going to have a good time, and make the best of it. I spent many years as a single woman and I know it isn’t always easy…but I certainly didn’t need someone else to make me “comfortable.” Now I’m getting married and I will invite the couples as couples and the singles as singles. And by the way I was always taught that the wording is “Mr. Smith and Guest” or “Miss Smith and Escort.” Not “date.” I don’t think the “date” phrasing is very elegant.
Samantha
I sent you a private email. Hope you got it.
Judy, I completely agree. My FH had a friend say she wasn’t coming since she couldn’t bring a guest. He politely explained to her about our limited budget and that I was sensitive to my single guests and planned seating accordingly. It is truly her loss for not attending and my FH is definitely rethinking how good a friend she is to him. Its our day, suck it up, grown woman and get out of your own box and have a night to meet new people, not stuck socializing with some random date you brought. I’m not paying for a complete stranger, especially with no guarantee they will be around next week. Lol
Hi my best friend is getting married next year and she did not want to invite some of her relative due to their wrongdoings which effected her life. She feel very unhappy if these group attend her wedding. But her mum insist these relative have to be in the list because the relative are mum’s brother and sister. I need to help her to ensure these unwanted guest not to attend her wedding but at sametime to ensure my friend family happy with wedding arrangement. because parent blessing is important I believe. Please advise me because she is in preparation on wedding list and things get hot in her home.
Thank you
Sorry to disagree with so many of you. It is tacky and uncouth to write the number of guests yourself. Most people know that if the invitation is addressed to one person only ,and does not include and guest, that means you are not to bring a date or friend. In the event that someone replies with a number greater than those listed by name in the invitation, it is easier to call that person and clarify the situation. Otherwise you are insulting the intelligence of most of your guest and showing no class. I agree that is equally improper to list where are you registered. Those wo care will call, those who are not planning to use your wedding registry will regift their undesired gifts or may give you a very unique and treasured gift.
I am declining with regret the last invitation I received for having the above faux-pas. I may attend the church ceremony and go to a great dinner with a friend.
@Rosario – did you ever considering calling or emailing the couple rather than sending them the revenge “Regrets”? Rather than take offense and find “something better to do”, might I suggest that you reach out & share your vast ettiquette knowledge? Further, have you ever planned a wedding, paid for a wedding or even had to provide a final guest count for a meal costing you thousands of dollars? I ask because it’s far easier to stomp off in a huff when you have not personally expended the funds and felt these frustrations.
It is NAIVE to think that “most guests know”. They either do not know or do not care but folks think absolutely nothing of not returning RSVPs, ignoring deadlines, inviting themselves, inviting guests, letting their kids run amok and the like. THAT behavior is tacky. Heading them off at the pass just seems prudent…especially when thousands of dollars are involved.
To my question…traditional invitations include an inner envelope upon which the host can readily indicate their intended invitees. However, most of the modern invititations do not include inner envelopes. For instance, I am leaning towards an “eco” friendly version that folds into an envelope. It is self-contained with a perforated RSVP card so there is no inner envelope. Aside from an additional insert, how else can I distinguish between my “1s” & “+1s”? Without a plan B, looks like I’ll just have to be tacky! LOL!
Oh my goodness… I completely agree with you Stephanie! Rosario must not have had to pay for anything in her life nor understands that most people simply DO NOT GET that no guests means no guests! I have been to five friend’s weddings already this year and boy are those guests rude; they bring univited guests, children, and some even RSVP then don’t show up! I couldn’t believe all of the empty chairs I have seen at numerous weddings, those empty chairs were not paid for out of pure donation to the wedding venue, the couple PAID for them expecting their invited friends and family to show up, and look at how rude and tacky the guests turned out to be. So, listing the number of reserved seats is one of the smartest things you can do! My problem now, is that I don’t know if I should still invite some “sort-of” coworker friends that I hang out with every now and then outside of work… they are still cool with one gal I no longer talk to outside of work due to a separate incident that they all know about… They are still very nice and ask me about the upcoming wedding, etc. but does that mean I have to invite them? My fiance and I ARE paying for our entire wedding on our own and I don’t want to invite anyone that will make me feel uncomfortable on my own wedding day. I am inviting two friends from work, and one of them actually said,”I think you’ll offend so and so if you don’t invite them, or at least he’ll be hurt” and then she goes on to name off who will and won’t bring their mates or girlfriends (didn’t ask if I was even inviting any of these aquaintances) and that she’s dissapointed we are only having open wine bar… are you kidding me? WHO’s paying for this wedding? Your lucky your even invited!!
I will have to say that saying the event is adult only and limiting guests is sadly just a requirement that couple’s have to deal with considering the economy, venues, and even more sad the people they know. I have a step neice that has been very close to my family since she started school. So now after 20 years of being a part of this family, no one but my mother who altered her wedding dress and my sister her stepmom was invited. Not even my mother’s husband was invited. This is due to the size of her father’s and her soon to be husband’s family size. The location of her wedding was choice before her guest list, therefore she just had more family than room. All I can say is that if you do not want to deal with that issue guestlists almost have to be set prior to picking a location which in most cases is even more impractical. Were my family members hurt, yeah to a point but the couple did make things less ackward by not asking us to buy shower or wedding presents for an occasion we would not be at.
I will have to say that saying the event is adult only and limiting guests is sadly just a requirement that couple’s have to deal with considering the economy, venues, and even more sad the people they know. I have a step neice that has been very close to my family since she started school. So now after 20 years of being a part of this family, no one but my mother who altered her wedding dress and my sister her stepmom was invited. Not even my mother’s husband was invited. This is due to the size of her father’s and her soon to be husband’s family size. The location of her wedding was choice before her guest list, therefore she just had more family than room. All I can say is that if you do not want to deal with that issue guestlists almost have to be set prior to picking a location which in most cases is even more impractical. Were my family members hurt, yeah to a point but the couple did make things less ackward by not asking us to buy shower or wedding presents for an occasion we would not be at.
I made a mistake and asked my niece if my son could bring his girlfriend to her out of town wedding. I thought it was okay and I asked the girls parents if she could go. They agreed and I bought her a plane ticket. I later learned that my niece was very angry about this and does not want the girlfriend at her wedding. Her future in-laws have gotten involved and do not want the girlfriend to come. I have apologized to my niece and I understand I made a mistake. She got pretty nasty with me and was not willing to forgive my mistake. Please note that I have been very good to my niece over the years. I know now that I was wrong but I am so hurt by how cruelly my niece spoke to me I don’t even want to go to the wedding. I have never met the upset future in-laws and I’m afraid that something negative will be said. I don’t know what to do now. Do I tell the girlfriend and her parents that she can not come, hurt her feeling and my sons or do I not go to the wedding. I feel terrible about either option. I wish I had not made this mistake but I am also hurt about how unforgiving my niece has been.
I’ve said that least 1611212 times. The problem this like that is they are just too compilcated for the average bird, if you know what I mean
Wow. After reading all of the posting, I’m glad that I’m not alone. My wedding is in 5 months and our concern is that people will bring kids/young children and that my fiance’s aunt will bring her classless boyfriend. I mean neither my fiance and I want him there. The guy makes the most racist comments and we would like to avoid the embarrassment. The problem is we have to let his aunt know somehow because she is one of those clueless people who will bring a date even though the invitation will be addressed to her only. The children thing we can deal with if people end up bringing them. We figured its not the worst but having his aunt’s bf is an absolute no exception. My concern is how would we deal with it if he shows up? Can we ask him to leave?
I am very recently engaged and planning a wedding. As most of our friends and family have children we are planning to include them, or at least plan for them. I adore all of them. and I even made sure that my friends who have a significant other were clear that they COULD bring a date…I even contacted my 19 year old cousin to let him know that “And Family” included HIS girlfriend!
We are also paying for our entire wedding, reception, etc. I guess I’m lucky that we found a venue that is not overly expensive, the church is also not overly expensive. Celebrating a marriage is about celebrating it with friends and family.
I will say if you choose to have an adult only reception, or not allow +1 that is up to you, and your guests should respect that instead of assuming.
Currently planning my own wedding and paying for most of it, we are inviting +1’s of people in official relationships with a few exceptions. Since we bought a DIY invitation printing kit, we will print different response cards depending on if a +1 is invited. For example, for somebody with no +1 we would have the options along the lines of “I will be attending” and “I will be celebrating from afar”, with the “I” making it clear that it is one person. For those with a +1, adding a second indented line under “I will be attending” where we will add “I will be bringing a guest”.
Honestly, if you have an _absolute_ budget that you _cannot_ go over, then pare down your guest list and invite conservatively. If a couple of people bringing guests is going to throw you off, then you are probably being a little too uptight about it. We planned our initial guest list with +1’s for everybody who is out of town or who isn’t part of a group of friends that are all invited. You want people to have a good time, and being too uptight about it will make for a tense, boring, stressful wedding day.
@ #45 SRM, if the boyfriend shows up, have somebody designated to kind of keep an eye on him. Talk to your aunt beforehand about etiquette for him, with it being clear that if he becomes distasteful he will have to leave. If he behaves himself, then no harm done. If he starts getting out of hand, then have that designated somebody tell your aunt it is time for him to leave. You can also give his picture to the ushers/bartender/whoever so they know who he is and to keep an eye on him.
My fiancee and I are planning a wedding (~100 people) for one year from now.
When we send out invitations, we plan to only list the names of the people invited, and make no mention of guests. Listed on the invitations will be any married couples or fiancees, living together couples and couples that have a kid together.
For any other situation, we will be calling the guest personally and indicating to them our criteria. If they were in a couple with a person 3 months before our wedding and are still with them, they can bring them as a date. Otherwise, short term relationships or first date dates will not be allowed.
We expect for everyone else to assume they cannot bring a date.
I am a Wedding Planner in Florida. I have dealt with bride and grooms that are on a limited budget..they pay for the dinner plates as they have the guest list of their choice…some brides want to make another place at the table to make people happy and then they are over budget…I tel my brides that if their budget does not allow another person, or kids at the wedding do not back down. They are accomidating as far as they can go, but in the long run if you have been invited and the the RSVP has not been sent, then there is another space for someone else…If you show up without RSVP, then you should be the one that is turned away at the door. A wedding Planner has no reason to make it happen unless the bride and groom is very attimate about adjusting the guest list.
I feel that all bride and grooms should have a guest list and stick by it..If you are invited to a wedding, consider what you would have to do, like put out scraps for that extra guest and add another table that really has no room for, make sure that you RSVP to a wedding or you may be the one that is out on the street, and not in the wedding reception..
Be considerate to the bride and groom and let them know if you are coming to the wedding, eticate is the key to a beautiful wedding, and believe me, if I was your wedding planner, I would only let those into the reception that is on the list.
Wow, I feel like I would NOT be comfortable as a guest at many of these weddings, where the bride and groom are nitpicking about who attends and not focused on celebrating the beginning of their life together. The most recent wedding I attended was the most fun event I have ever been to. The wedding was followed by a cocktail reception and then a sit-down dinner and dancing. The atmosphere was relaxed and cordial, even though the venue was elegant. All the children present behaved themselves. IMO, if you have to be so picky about who your guests can and cannot bring, you should probably be inviting fewer people. And I would never expect anyone to come without a date. If you are not willing to do what it takes to make your guests comfortable, then don’t invite so many.
I recently received a family wedding invitation addressed to my husband and I, with 2 spots reserved indicated on the response card. My adult children were very hurt not to be included. For the price of an extra couple of seats, major family disruption could have been avoided.
The guest list is my only concern at the moment. I am getting so stressed out about it! We have a strict budget for 75 guests, and that is it. However, I do have a few family members with children. Many of them are rambunctious and rude, and their parents do not watch them at all during family functions. The venue I have chosen has many rooms and places for a child to get into a ton of trouble. I do not feel as if I should have to allow children to attend, nor should I have to hire a baby sitter to watch their children. I want to enjoy my day and not end up with a bill at the end of the night because one of their children has broken something.
What’s more, if children are allowed to come then I won’t have enough room to allow single adults to bring a date, or a friend. Why should I have to go into debt, paying an extra $90-$100 per child because their parents simply could not be courteous and hire a sitter? Or just not come at all if they are so appalled by the concept of having an adult only event? It actually IS asking a lot to add on one or two people just so someone’s feelings doesn’t get hurt.
I’m sorry, but at the end of the day, if you don’t have the 20K (which is a pretty typical wedding rate in my area, usually much more than that) saved up for your wedding, you are going into debt to pay for your guest’s convenience and feelings. I think it’s a bit much to ask. Guests shouldn’t feel like they have a sense of entitlement, period. Unless the guest is helping pay for the wedding. lol. If the guest is that upset about not bringing a child, then they just shouldn’t bother coming. Someone who is appreciative of the invite can go in their stead.
I am going to write names on the RSVP card, and “will attend” or “will not attend” as options. There will be no place to write in the number of people a guest will be bringing. If they show up with all of their children, then I guess it will be awkward when there is nowhere for them to sit!
Well I would just say that is a great idea & I used it. But it STILL DID NOT WORK! What do you have to do to tell people your toddler is NOT invited! It is so frustrating! So now I am going to have to call & tell them I’m sorry but it’s an adult reception & we did not invite any children. The only children that will be there are my 2 nephews who are in the wedding. So I don’t think it matters how tactful you are about your invitations somebody is STILL going to put whatever they think you should have put on there to begin with. Even though you have already stressed about your guest list they are still going to do it. & you are just going to have to deal with it. I am not going to let anybody tell me who is invited to my wedding. If you can’t tell I just opened one of these RSVP’s about 2 hours ago. Guess what I’m going to do?
I am an Irish Catholic New Englander. I am expected to invite well over 100 members of my family to my wedding. Meanwhile, the mister’s entire family is 20 people, all of whom are in California.
We’ve decided, therefore, to have our wedding in San Francisco. I’m inviting the bare minimum of my family – my siblings (4), their spouses and kids (4 more), and my parents and grandparents (7 more).
We’re inviting very few friends, most of whom will be invited solo.
I feel pretty awful about having to exclude my extended family. I wish we could afford to invite everyone to bring guests. I am sad that we won’t be surrounded by every single person who loves us from sea to shining sea.
But the reality is that I’m a waitress, he’s a grad student, and we’d prefer to have a small wedding with the people who care about us so much that they’re willing to travel or come alone to celebrate our love and commitment to each other.
My concern is this: what can I do to let my family in New England know that I’m not slighting them? I hate that they might be hurt or insulted.
We plan to have a big bash as our “reception” back in New England when we have a bit more money, not to get more gifts or anything but to celebrate with all of our beloved friends and family.
I am wary of sending “courtesy” invitations to my extended family with the expectation that they won’t come out to California, because – well – they just might. I know some people might suggest that I call them one by one, and I might.
The other thing, related to that, is: what do I do about a shower? My mom wants to throw me a bridal shower (I don’t have a bridal party, fyi) and I know she’ll invite people who aren’t invited to the wedding but will be invited to the reception.
I’m considering sending out the Save-the-Dates for the reception bash early – at the same time as the invites for the ceremony. Thoughts?
@#50: I’m the mother of the bride. I can assure you that the families hosting the wedding DO want their guests to be comfortable and have a great time. However, that necessitates limiting the guest list. We are hosting a formal wedding. I have invited all my first cousins, and all my first cousins’ children (grown and married). That’s about 60 people. I am not inviting my cousins’ grandchildren, who are all under 7 years old (there are at least 26 children). However, I just received an RSVP (I feel your pain, @52), where one of the adult kids wrote in the name of their toddler. Now I get to make a rather uncomfortable phone call.
Invitations were formal. Ceremony in the evening, followed by reception at a museum venue. Invitation addressed ONLY to Mr. and Mrs. …..Don’t know what else I could have done.
I feel you should be as accommodating as you can be. If i recieve a phone call from someone asking to invite someone i will try and make it happen (if possible).
For me it isn’t so much a problem about numbers it’s just that i am not wanting to have children at the wedding.
There are a couple of guests that i am concerned about bringing along their toddlers.
I don’t want to offend anyone by making the rsvp card overly clear, however i would rather do that to avoid a phone call where i have to tell them i do not wish to have their child there.
I don’t know what to do about another family and their young teen children (13 and 15) especially when i am inviting other older siblings and their parents. To me the right thing to do is invite them but the two older siblings tell me that if i’m not inviting kids they don’t recommend i invite them. (they aren’t the ’sit quietly’ type)
There won’t be any others their age there and i don’t think they would enjoy themselves. I really don’t know what to do.
I just had a bad experience at an otherwise beautiful, perfect wedding. It seems that someone at my dh and I’s table thought it was ok to bring along an uninvited child, who was taking up one of our seats. When we arrived, no wedding manners were displayed, no introductions as is customary for new arrivals to a table. As we looked for our two spots, we were rudely told by the kids Dad that ALL of HIS seats were taken, and we must have the wrong table. We discretely looked for the wedding planner and confirmed our table assignment. She walked over and saw the child, who was not on the list and spoke to someone in the bridal party. It turns out these people were very distant relatives who basically invited themselves and had to be accommodated. They were sent an invitation for two people, then insisted on bringing two teenagers with them, and ultimately showed up with another child. The planner had an extra chair added for the kid. They kept loudly exclaiming that the extra chair WE needed was crowding THEIR table. The other people at the table kept rolling their eyes at us, like we caused the issue. This child had to be made a special meal because he was a picky eater (which he didn’t even touch) Then he spent most of the dinner service with his dirty bare feet ON THE TABLE. He amused himself by tossing butter and sugar packets around the table. The kid was at a formal wedding in shorts, t shirt and filthy crocs.
My problem is that I come from a very small family (only my sister and her husband) any fiancee has a massive family (her grandmother has well over 100 direct decendents). We both wanted to have a very small, intimate wedding with only her mother, siblings, their spouces and kids (about a dozen people) that we would hold on a remote beach on the north shore of Kuai. This would also double as a sort of family vacation as we booked a beach house to accomodate the imediate family to stay in before and after the wedding,
Neither of us want a large wedding and we both decided on one very hard and fast rule. Nobody would be at our wedding who we BOTH did not know and love. Neither of us wants to be introduced to total strangers at our wedding. We will have a “local” reception back home for all distant relatives and friends when we return.
However, since our anouncement another 20 or so people have already “invited” themselves to our wedding. Several of these people I don’t even know (3rd cousin twice removed on her great uncles side and things like that). I am furious at the rudness of this total disregard for my fiancee and my wishes. We will not have room to accomidate any additional people at our beach house, nor be able to provide for additional guests, and even if we did, it is NOT what we wanted for our wedding.
If we roll over and let this happen, it will ruin the small intimate wedding we have always dreamed of and I will be resentful of these “wedding crashers” in her family for many years to come. Yet if I put my foot down, I’ll be the “jerk” who got angry about her cousin’s boyfriend Steve coming to our wedding.
It’s sort of a no win situation and I’m seriously considering blowing the whole thing off and eloping!