Something about being engaged and planning a wedding seems to bring out the worst in people. If you know someone who's engaged, these are the things Not
to say. They've all really been said to engaged people I know, so I've also included a few helpfully snarky and sarcastic things to say (or think while silently judging them) in case you're the victim of rude and jealous people.
- "So I take it you're not wearing white?"
Oh I forgot that my wedding dress's purpose is to help all of my guests know how virginal I am. Perhaps I should instead just wear a sign detailing my bedroom activities.
- "I hate weddings."
Thanks! So glad I can cross you off the invite list, then.
- "Are you pregnant!?", "So, when are you having kids?", or even "You're old to be getting married. Better get pregnant right away!"
Right, because the only reason to get married is if I'm pregnant, or about to be. Silly me, I thought we were getting married because we love each other.
- "You better lose some weight before the wedding!"
Actually I'm hoping to gain some weight before the wedding. That way it will hurt more when I sit on you.
- "I thought you'd never get married! You were such a swinging single!" Or even worse, "Dude, you finally let yourself be trapped, huh? Welcome to the jail of married life."
You are SO funny. You are TOTALLY the first person to say this. And yes, I'm only getting married because I'm forced to. It's not possible that I've matured, and it's not possible to have any freedom in marriage. How did you know?
- "I can't believe you're marrying him." (or her)
Yeah, well I can't believe you're such a huge jerk, but it's true.
- "This is so soon! Are you sure this is the right decision?"
I was sure, but I'm so wishy washy and weak-spined that I'm going to listen to you. Thank goodness you said something!
- "Maybe this one will last."
Yep. Maybe. And maybe I won't punch you in the nose.
- "I can't wait to come! I'm trying to decide who to bring as my date!"
I see. You can't imagine a world where you aren't invited to everything, much less a world where you haven't been invited to bring a date. Some of us have a thing called a budget.
- "Who's paying for the wedding? It must be costing you a fortune!"
Speaking of that budget, it's none of your business!
- Any sentence that begins with the words, "You HAVE to" or "Well, traditionally, you know" or is another way of saying, "You're doing it wrong."
You're inevitably the same person who will tell me that you had a cash bar, didn't have bridesmaids, asked for money, or other non-traditional/wrong wedding choices. I guess the rules don't apply to you?
And my favorite inappropriate thing people say is:
- "You know 50% of marriages end in divorce, don't you?"
Actually that's a false statistic. The actual rate is closer to 24% for couples older than 25. But it's always great to have a pessimist around to rain on my parade. What would I do without you?